I will break both your legs
by aych13
Summary: In which Levi and Erwin continue the conversation where Levi threatened to break Erwin's legs to keep him out of Shinganshina...and they are able to say what they really needed to all along.


_...The second part of the conversation that began with Levi's threat to keep Erwin out of Shiganshina by breaking his legs._

Levi wasn't sure what to expect when Erwin called him to his room the evening after Levi had tried to talk him out of going to Shiganshina. So it was with a certain degree of trepidation that he approached his lover's quarters that night; something had shifted, and something was about to change. Levi had a darkly oppressive feeling that he knew what it was, indeed he had said as much to Erwin during their conversation the day before: he didn't know if Erwin was going to be alive much longer. Why exactly he felt that he couldn't say, though the loss of Erwin's arm had a lot to do with it. It was as though prior to that, Erwin had existed in a glass case that had finally shattered; he was out and exposed like everyone else now.

Levi knocked quietly, then let himself in. Erwin was standing at the window behind his desk; turning briefly, he gave Levi a perfunctory smile, but Levi could see already that he wasn't okay.

He crossed the room to Erwin, sliding himself over the top of the desk so his feet rested on the chair while he sat on the desk; it was the closest to eye level he was going to get until Erwin decided to sit down.

"Well?" Levi said, perhaps sounding harsher than he had meant to. Taken slightly aback by his own tone, Levi realized he was afraid.

Erwin dropped his gaze from the window, meeting Levi's eyes; there was a haunted sadness (and even fear?) swimming in his eyes that Levi had never seen there before.

"Levi..." Erwin started quietly, "What do you think became of all our dead comrades? Where did they go? Is there..." his voice broke. "Is there anything after this?"

Levi's eyes widened in shock; that had not even been on his list of possibilities of what Erwin would say. Levi felt the classic sarcastic, dismissive responses rise to his lips...but then swallowed them back. There was so much obvious heartbreak behind Erwin's question that Levi found himself lost for words. And if Erwin was going to face the terror in that question tonight...then Levi would go there too. He owed Erwin that much.

Levi reached a hand out and Erwin took it; Levi pulled him closer so they were facing each other across barely a foot of space. Erwin's blue eyes searched Levi's, and Levi could clearly see the anguish there.

"Levi," Erwin continued, his voice agitated and slightly unsteady. "Why couldn't I listen to you? You were right. You ARE right. About everything. My reasoning. My plans. What's probably going to happen to me. You're right about it all, but Levi—" Erwin's eyes were perplexed and frightened—"I CAN'T stop. WHY? I've been standing here for hours, thinking...realizing...if I had to send every person on earth to their death to prove my father right, I...I think I would do it. They died when I sent them to die...for my obsession. What did I send them to? Do they exist anymore? Levi. What's wrong with me? Am I crazy? Am I just evil?"

Erwin's voice shook and his face looked so terrified that Levi's heart broke for him. Standing up on the chair, Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin's neck and held him; he could physically feel Erwin trembling.

"Come here," Levi instructed quietly. He gently guided Erwin into the chair, then sat on the desk behind him, wrapping Erwin in his arms and stroking his hair. Erwin's breathing was rapid and betrayed his fear; half turning, he leaned into Levi's chest, clinging to him with his one good arm. Levi cradled Erwin against his body and laid his cheek on the top of Erwin's head while he tried to marshal his thoughts. This definitely was not what he'd expected...and yet...it was like Erwin too, to just jump into what was on his mind with almost no preamble. He'd always been like that. Still though Levi found himself momentarily at a loss. "What's the meaning of life" and "Is there life after death." Two of the biggest questions faced by humanity, and Erwin had somehow managed to dump them both on Levi in the space of a few sentences. Thanks for that, Erwin. Don't want much, do you?

_All of us had to spend our lives drunk on somethin', else we'd have no cause to keep goin' on._

Kenny's voice unexpectedly echoed in Levi's mind as he sat holding Erwin against his body. Kenny...Levi had watched him die only two days before, and he was still trying to wrap his mind around everything he'd learned from that one final encounter. Levi closed his eyes as he remembered Kenny's rueful laughter when he admitted his own purpose for living, admitted himself to be just like everyone else.

_So what's your poison, runt? Heroics_?

No, Levi thought, it's _him_. Maybe it started as heroics in general, but now it's only for him. For Erwin, who I love more than I knew I could love anyone.

_Oh Kenny...father figure you were not, but in this moment you've given me exactly what I needed. Thank you._

Levi had to swallow back his own tears at that realization.

Leaning protectively over Erwin and pulling him tighter into his arms, Levi said softly,

"Erwin, listen to me. I'll tell you my thoughts on both those things, starting with the easier one: you couldn't do what I said because I told you to do something that's against who you are. I couldn't talk you out of going...honestly I didn't really think I could even before I started. And I'm sure as hell not going to hurt you to get my way...I don't think I even could bring myself to hurt you more when you're in so much pain already. But that's why I even tried...I don't want you to hurt so much."

Levi's voice caught on the last sentence, and he gently traced Erwin's face with his fingertips, knowing he would not be able to get through this without crying. Levi sighed. _Oh well, guess we're going there tonight_.

Erwin gazed quietly up into Levi's face, clearly hanging on his every word. Levi paused to collect his thoughts again, then barreled onward; this was challenging, he didn't usually talk this much at once.

_My god Kenny, how did you do it? You basically never even stopped for breath._

"Erwin, I know you're not evil, because you only do what your life has dictated you have to do. The fact that you feel trapped and scared should be proof enough you're not doing this because you want to. You're doing it because it became your purpose for living, the very minute they lied about why your dad didn't come home. You're doing it because we've needed you to, and no one but you could have handled it. You've done it because you're the strongest man I know...because you're the bravest man I know."

"Goddamn it," Levi muttered, impatiently wiping the tears from his cheeks. Erwin was still gazing at Levi, completely enraptured. Gently he reached his hand up and stroked Levi's face.

Levi smiled down at him ruefully.

"You ARE an asshole for making me cry so much."

Erwin smiled slightly and averted his gaze, leaning back into Levi's chest.

They sat quietly for a few moments, Levi gently rocking Erwin like Erwin had for him so many times.

At last Levi said quietly, "I didn't get the chance to tell you much about this, but right after Historia killed Rod Reiss, I went looking for Kenny Ackerman. I found him, and he was barely alive. Apparently he was my mom's brother."

Erwin inhaled sharply and looked up at Levi, searching his face for clues as to how he was doing with that piece of information. Correctly reading him, Levi muttered, "Yeah, still wrapping my head around that one. Anyway, the moron talks more than anyone I've ever met, but right before he died he said one of the wisest things I think I've ever heard from anyone. He said all of humanity has to be drunk on something to find purpose in life, and we all get drunk on different things. His was power. He said mine is heroics."

Erwin smiled playfully at Levi. "I can see where he might have gotten that."

Levi allowed a smirk to cross his face as he ruffled Erwin's hair in his characteristic manner. He smiled affectionately at Erwin.

"I think he missed one or two important details regarding mine, kiddo."

Erwin smiled softly as Levi continued "Anyway, the point is YOUR purpose is to find the truth. That's just who you are, and no one can take that away from you. Not even me. Even if it would save your life...because it would make your life into something that isn't YOU anymore."

Tears slid down Levi's face, but he didn't try to stop them. Instead he pulled Erwin in closer to him, tilting his head back and kissing him deeply. "You hear me, you idiot?" Levi smiled through his tears. "You're not crazy, and you're not evil. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and I don't love evil things. Not too great with crazy things either, though I've gotten better since meeting Hange and Eren I guess."

Levi saw Erwin's small chuckle as Levi slid off the desk and dropped to the ground in front of him, kneeling between his knees. Rising up so he could grasp Erwin's shoulders, Levi leaned in so his face was inches from Erwin's; at this angle, there was no hiding his tears from Erwin, but Levi didn't care. He stroked Erwin's face as tears streamed down his own and smiled gently.

"Erwin, you're not crazy or evil, you're just...drunk. Drunk on your purpose like all of us are. You didn't choose to have your dad murdered by the government, but the minute he was, your path was set. And it's probably going to kill you. But would there have been any other way for you to become THIS? To become YOU? To become the man I love so much I want to break your legs to keep you out of danger, but who I also love so much that I'd rather die _with_ you than take your purpose away?"

Erwin looked down and gazed into Levi's eyes as Levi knelt at Erwin's feet. The haunted, faraway look on Erwin's face gradually slid away; he took Levi's hand and held it up against his cheek. Dropping his head, Erwin sighed, leaning forward as though a huge weight were pressing on his back. The room fell silent for a few moments; Levi continued to kneel before Erwin, studying his face, waiting.

Erwin slowly raised his head and looked into Levi's eyes, a gentle smile touching his lips. He reached out and tenderly stroked Levi's face; Levi leaned into the caress, closing his eyes.

"My god you're beautiful," Erwin said in a whisper, the emotion almost choking him nonetheless.

Levi met Erwin's eyes and saw that there were tears sparkling in them, though they didn't fall. Tears continued running down Levi's face, and he himself couldn't exactly say why; the emotion was too deep for words. Thus for a few moments they remained simply lost in each other's gaze, both understanding that no words could communicate at that moment with quite the same poignancy as the silence.

Finally Levi murmured, "Now then. As to your other question. Erwin...I don't know, love. I wish I could tell you for sure, but..."

Levi gazed off into space for a few moments. "What I can tell you, is that I _want_ there to be something after this. And it kind of seems like people pretty much can't come up with ideas that aren't based at least somewhat on something that's real. So I think the fact that we all think about it and want there to be should tell us something."

He looked back into Erwin's eyes, trying desperately to put all the unsaid words into his gaze. A tiny, beautiful smile settled over Erwin's face; at last the tears that had been collecting slid down his cheeks and he whispered, "Levi, will you help me? Once again, you're right—this path is laid out for me, and I have no choice but to follow it to the end. But Levi..." Erwin's weary voice broke slightly. "When it's time to let go, will you help me do it? Will you help me trust that I _can_ let go, because this isn't the end? I...I can't do it without you."

Erwin averted his eyes with those last words as though ashamed of himself.

Levi again rose up on his knees so his face was mere inches from Erwin's. Taking Erwin's face in his hands, Levi whispered "Look at me."

Hesitantly Erwin raised his sparkling blue eyes to meet Levi's, tears glistening on his cheeks.

"Erwin, I go where you go. I will NEVER leave you. And..." Levi's voice caught and tears ran from his eyes, but he continued anyway, "when it's time, I _will_ help you let go. I'll be there with you, and I won't leave you."

A look of utter, profound relief settled onto Erwin's face. He let out his breath in a long sigh, then raised his head and reached out for Levi. "Levi, come up here. Let me hold you. Please." Levi gave him a small smile and climbed onto Erwin's lap; Erwin embraced him tightly with his good arm and laid his head against Levi's shoulder. Cradling Erwin in his arms, Levi gently laid his head against the top of Erwin's. They simply sat cuddled together for a long while, breathing each other in.

"I love you, Levi," Erwin whispered. "Forever."

Tightening his arms around Erwin, Levi replied softly, "I love you too." He hesitated, then added gently, "And whatever comes after this...I don't know what it is, but I'll be there with you too, Erwin. I promise."


End file.
